So depressing.This week was probably the hardest week of my pregnancy so far. No, not because I am 37 weeks pregnant and can barely move. It's because I am watching a lot of my friends go off and live the life I had planned for so long.
This week was "move-in" week at ISU. The school I probably would have ended up going to (if I decided against SIU). Anyways, its hard going on facebook and seeing all my friends (especially my best friend who probably would have ended up being my room mate) take all these pictures of their new adventure. They are meeting new people, having fun, making memories, living away from home. Something that I always planned on going off and doing before I got pregnant. They have told me many stories already. I smile because it all sounds so exciting, but theres a whole other half of me that feels like I have gone through the worst breakup ever. It leaves me with the empty feeling in my chest and a sickly feeling in my stomach that I just cant push away.
I know it sounds extremely immature and like I dont have my priorities straight, but I wanted to party just a little, get out just a little, and rebel just a little. I spent all of high school working my butt off; never getting a detention, never partying on the weekends, never talking in class. Hell, I dont even know what alcohol tastes like. Call me stupid, but I really did want to get in a little trouble just for once and have a little fun and be a little crazy. Sue me.
I know everything happens for a reason. I know that if I was not supposed to get pregnant, God wouldnt have made me pregnant. There is a reason for everything and I really do believe that. But it is so hard. I know I will love Brayden and be happy, but a part of me needs to mourn the life I now wont get to live. I have to grow up so fast, and it sucks because I feel like I never really let myself act my age.
I actually ended up crying today just because I let my emotions get the best of me. It was one of those times where you are sad but holding it all in until your moms asks "are you ok?" and then you completely lose it and the tears come falling down.
I just want to be normal. I want to have my body back. I dont want to be filing insurance papers, I want to be filing sorority rush cards. So many mixed emotions.
Yesterday I spent the day alone folding and organizing baby clothes, knowing very well that all my friends were out making new friends and exploring their campus. It all just sucks.
I know that I made the right decision to keep Brayden. I could have chosen a different path but I would be losing if I lost him.
So many emotions. Not a lot of people who can relate to what I am going through. Its tough. This is a really dull post and I am sorry for that, but I never promised my blog was all smiley faces and unicorns.
There are a lot of downsides to my situation, and right now this is the biggest one. I just really hope that when Brayden is born I am happy; I am a huge canidate for PPD, and that really scares me. I wasnt exactly my happiest before getting pregnant either, sometimes I feel like I am just digging myself in a hole.
I needed to vent. Im coming on later to update you all with the stuff you want to hear about, dont worry.
Side note; Colins sister in law is having her baby tomorrow! Please pray that everything goes smoothly and little MacKenna makes a graceful entrance into the world.
Completely unsolicited advice is coming up; this is ebbyoni from babycenter btw, we've talked a few times :)
ReplyDeleteI understand where you are coming from. My situation is a little bit different, but I definitely am mourning the loss of my old life as well. That's pretty common even with older women who get pregnant on purpose, surprisingly.
About the PPD, I am at a high risk for it too. I'm also at high risk for postpartum psychosis which is scary in itself. Eesh. I just thought I would share how I keep sane and not worry as much and hopefully it will help you too! Anyway, my baby boy will be 6 weeks old on Tuesday, and I had the baby blues for a little over 3 weeks. And then it went away on its own! At some points I was afraid it would progress straight into PPD and I was terrified. However, I know from a previous post that you can be superstitious, and I was/am too with this: I have avoided any mention of ppd like the plague. Sounds silly? Yes, lol, but I read up on it and understood it BEFORE I gave birth and once he was here, I kept my distance. I read the weekly emails about his development and if the section for mom starts talking about it I just skip over it. Very silly, but it works for me. It keeps it in the back of my mind and I don't obsess over it. I can focus on the baby and etc. Hopefully you can find some adaptation of that that helps you! :)
Oh and if, after the baby blues go away, you still have the occasional down day/night, don't freak out! I did, and totally thought I was going to get ppd and have to go back on meds and then I was crying because I thought I wouldnt be able to breastfeed anymore. The next day I felt fine, then I remembered: "um, getting pregnant did not cure the reason I have an increased risk for ppd. So... I'm still going to have bad days. Duh." lol assuming there is a mental reason you're at risk like me then just don't forget that that still exists!! Almost made myself crazy. :D
So anyway, that's what helped me and some advice from one new mommy to another. Sorry I wrote a novel. If you ever need to talk about it with a near-stranger, you can always shoot me message. Idk about you but sometimes it helps me to talk to someone outside the situation. Unbiased, ya know?
Okay I'm really done now lol. Keep your spirits up! :)
--Eboni
I'm one of your random readers who stumbled across this blog, and I'm wondering if you have an update? Obviously by now you've had the baby and I hope you're doing well! I'm sure Brayden is just as cute as can be! :-)
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