holy stretch marks!!!!

You know I love you, but this just isn't working out. . .

Listen hips, dont get me wrong...I love that I am starting to look like shakira (my hips dont lie), but I dont want to look like a tiger. If you are going to get any bigger, these nasty  not-so-little things you call stretch marks are gonna have to go.

Oh, and while im at it, hey butt cheeks. Last time I checked, I didn't give you permission to expand and become your own country. And I swear to God, if you try to become your own planet. . .I will cut you off.

Hello...or should I say where are you? BOOBS. Seriously? You have been absent my whole entire life, and the one time I need you most, you banish even more without a trace. I think you lost some kind of bet with mother nature, and now you have to be incredibly cruel to me. F*** you mother nature, give me boobies. Please?

I never thought I would have to say this, but DEAR GOD intestines, how can you have the nerve to let a glass of water give me such bad gas? I mean seriously, water? You are supposed to be the stability I can rely on, but things are getting a little awkward when you decide to betray me in the walmart checkout line. Cleaaaan-up in aisle 3!!!!

AND to you little fetus-smurf-alien baby... Why are you letting all this happen? What happened to unconditional love between a mother and her child? How can you do such cruel and horrific things, but then when I see you on the ultrasound you are sucking your thumb and bouncing around and cute and stuff. You obviously get your evil ways from me, and I am not sure if I like it quite yet...(I totally love it, Colins gonna hate it...)


I will love you forever, always & no matter what...for now.

Oh, dearest scale of mine. How I loveth you so. Over these blissful seventeen weeks, I will have to admit I had no faith in you. I thought you would break my heart into pieces; adding a pound day by day, just to see the tears well up in my eyes. But no. I was wrong, oh so wrong. You have blessed me (for now) with the ability to eat all things disgustingly bad for me (im working on it!) and not gain any weight. I am sure my time will come, but I thank you immensly from shielding me from my oh so doomed fate.

Why hello Ghost Whisperer series on Netflix. I know some look at it wrong to fall in love with objects, but I just can't help myself. Not a day goes by where I am not with you, longing for you, day dreaming about the next moment I can just stare at you endlessly for hours, watching you with excitement. I hope this love never dies, but I have to admit, I am seeing someone else: Army Wives. But they only come around once a week, and aren't avaliable to me as much as you are. Try not to get jealous.


Dear cliche neighbor-bestfriend-turned-boyfriend-in-highschool of mine, what would I do without you? And how do you put up with my psycho attitude? One minute crying, trying to attack you baby-mama style. The next minute, hugging you telling you how cute you are, then uncontrollably belching in your face when you try to kiss me. Thank you for putting up with my OCD on baby clothes folding, and my obsession with popping pimples (Dont judge me). I know I am quite the odd ball, but I love you oh so very much, and you are the one thing that I know is never going to change, no matter how many more tiger stripes I get or farts I let out. And thankyou for being supportive of my strict, pajamas & sweats almost every day of the week even in public policy. I know you must think I am a total babe these past few months. I swear, I will  go back to normal.




The things I am not. . .and will never change for you.

1. I am not a hugger. I come from a family of huggers, but I am not a hugger. I am very closed off with touchy-feely emotions. Hugging being the top one. Unless I am super sad and I ask for a hug, do not touch me. Unless I just did something totally epic, or am celebrating something, do not hug me. I do not like the hug greeting, the hug sorry, the hug just because, or the hug when you think im sad but I have not told you im sad. RANDOM PEOPLE HUGGING ME, WHOM I BARELY KNOW...STOP!!!!!!! I have gotten so many hugs lately. you know those awkward ones, that I have started running in my house when I see neighbors come by. You know those ones who give you the "oh I heard you are knocked up and this is kind of awkard and I dont know what to say so I am going to invade your personal space" hug. Maybe you dont know, but we all have been awkwardly hugged, and I have gotten more than my fair share lately.

2. Dont touch my belly. Even though my parents and my boyfriend have told me I fasho look preggo now, I still just feel like a giant balooga whale. Or a big fat baby. Until I am like 6 months pregnant, and I am perfectly certain I look and feel pregnant, I dont want anyone playing touchy-the-belly. Like I said, I am not a touchy person, and right now I would just feel like you are grabbing on to a chunk of fat or something.

3. I know I am super awkward at times. I can not help it, I am just an awkward person. That being said, a lot of people say I am "weird...but like in a good way." I think that is a compliment. Point is, right now, I am at super high levels of awkwardness. I am still sleeping 16 hours a day, and when I wake up all I want is more sleep. So if you try to create small talk with me, or ask me how I am doing, please do not be offended if I respond shortly or hear you wrong. My hearing is totally out of whack lately; so if I respond to you in a way that makes completely no sense, just go with it. Because I totally thought it made sense, and I will get all paranoid and hormonal if you tell me otherwise. That being said, if I just kind of nod my head at you and smile, or do a fake laugh...just go with that too. I am sorry if you just told me something devastatingly horrible, but I had no idea. I have a double ear infection and I am making every attempt at conversation.

4. I love puns. If you hate puns, you do not know how to live. And you probably should not be around me. Because I use them in daily conversation. And most of them are horrible, I admit.

5. I have horrid self-esteem. I have always been this way since like 4th grade when some kid named Max told me I have river teeth ( I had a gap in my teeth that could fit two quarters, a dime, and a nickel). That was followed by the braces and unibrow phase, then that big ol' fatty phast, then the puberty on top of everything phase. Even though I would like to think braces, a diet, and come tweezers fixed most of it, I take things super personally. Only I am allowed to make jokes about strechmarked and oddly shaped self. You can laugh at the jokes, but if you make a joke, I will go home and cry. Feel free to make all the jokes when this is over, and my horomones are under control.




Questions for my readers:

1. Anyone know of a good anti-stretch mark cream? or atleast a good one to use to fase strech marks?

2. Does anyone know a good recipe for south western egg rolls <3 ?

3. Is it normal me to get up to pee like 6 times during the night, and not even pee enough to fill half of one of those things at the doctors office? IT FEELS LIKE THERE IS SO MUCH MORE IN THERE.

4. To my grandma: I left you a message, but I need that yummy yellow cake recipe...I have some important people in important places who need your cake recipe for important reasons. ;)

5. What should I get my boyfriend for his birthday? His birthday is April 12th, and I have no clue at all what to get him because he jsut says not to get him anything. Obviously he doesnt know who he is dealing with, I hardcore celebrate everything there is.


"Hard times show you who your real friends are."

Said by a relative and I am sure many other people. So true. This whole experience has made me lose friends, and I am honestly happy about it. I am glad my true friends stuck with me, and the ones who weren't going to be there left. It says a lot about a person.


Sorry for my quite "saucy" attitude today, I am just in one of those moods ;)



Happy late april fools day :)
Tip for next year. Put some icy hot on the toilet seat, and just wait for the victim :) Just don't forget you put it there, or else your ass cheeks will be on fire.



You know where to go with a doubt

(that sentence has no relevance...its for a blogging security thing I have to do.)